I watched Euphoria recently and Beautiful Boy before that. It affected me deeply. While I’m no ‘drug’ addict I can relate all too well to the self-destruction tendencies. Many times after my own binges I wonder just how I’m still alive.
I think many might relate to a common adult life- 5 days work and 2 days off, repeat repeat. I’m not going down the cynical rabit-hole of what’s life yada yada. I’m sure even if I had all the fortune in the world, I’d still be finding some wheel to run on so not going to blame society. And I’m saying this because I’m quite comfortable financially- like if I were to leave my job I’d still manage to live a comfortable life till death- I do not have any dependents, my requirements are simple-basic, I have a good degree so finding a job shouldn’t be too hard- provided I don’t kill myself first. So why do I still work? Um, what else do we do if not work?
My elders tell me to get a kid. And before I can even think about “maternal” feelings I’m just freaked out about clubbing the kid to death with all the noise they make. It’s a chore to take care of yourself and then a +1? Hell no.
Drugs aren’t the only thing you can get addicted to. Its practically anything that can give you some form of sensation. To me its food, OTT or dooms scrolling. In Euphoria, the main character talks about not having the motivation to walk to the toilet and pee. Damn that struck a chord. Even when everything inside my head screams- “just get up and go” I keep seeing myself hitting new records every time.
I had a phase of dieting and getting in shape. I was a chubby kid in college and through a strict regime got myself to lose all the extra fat and became a real-life ‘before and after’ like the pics on weight loss ads. That was like 7 years ago. I ruined my relationship with food with all the restraints. Basically what you do is, start looking at food as evil and every time you commune with the evil, you deserve a whipping- self berating. And God you can be the worst thing to you. That’s where I think one of the ugliest form of self-destruction gets planted.
Now I’m removing all the restraints. That’s not turned out too well but it has brought out to the light an ugly ugly truth. It turns out when you don’t have restraints and your actions are still controlled by your thoughts, you can just eat eat eat and puke and eat. I kinda think of it as sense organ shock. ‘Cause you can’t make sense of anything your sense organs are telling you about what you are feeling. Are you fine? Are you sick? Are you dying? I just fall asleep and when my eyes open the next day I wonder how much more space exists in my artery before it gets clogged completely. Same goes with TV. Watch watch watch, drink some coffee/tea watch watch watch. It’s unlimited thanks to OTT. What are the best shows to watch while you go through this phase? Mindless judgemental stuff that makes your mouth stay agape with little hooks like- did she marry him? So you watch 12 seasons like a treasure hunter for shit.
And the best thing about adult life? I’m thankful for the 5 weekdays that keep me sane in the “normally” accepted way. There’s a schedule to be followed, things slightly challenging to make you forget your inner devils. Corporate that people hate is actually quite remarkable. It makes people who have an underlying insanity lurking just centimeters away work together in an orderly and disciplined manner.
All those little ego battles at work, rewards that promise an adrenalin release stronger than your day-day releases make you muster up some time to work in an orderly manner. I think every one of my colleagues at office would be flabbergasted to see this other side of me. Or maybe they too have something insane within them.
I’ve recognized my biggest issue to be this feeling of emptiness. It’s what really triggers the binges or need for sensations. While we can live a large part of life distracted there have been instances that solidify this emptiness. In one of my trips, I saw myself at the edge of a dark hole. Everyone around me disappeared- there was no love, nothing but just ‘me’. The ‘me’ was submerged in all the worst feelings- guilt, uncertainty, self-hatred, fear- so much fear. I tried the usual tactics of distraction- eating, talking to my partner but nothing helped. The food tasted bland and the trip went on every second seeming like hours.
My thoughts were all about self-harm. I asked myself why? It told me ’cause you are not adhering to your rules.
Its funny. As a kid you make rules up for yourself to be this or that. You dont let your you come out. And for years like cobwebs you wrap mental algorithms around yourself. You cant even recognize the shape, the smell, the sight, the sound nothing of you you anymore.
As an adolescent my quest was to figure out what was the right way to live. To my aid came sitcoms and cool tv shows with naked bodies that went to places delectable. My personality I decided was to be a mix of Elizabeth Bennet from Pride and Prejudice for her wits and ability to seduce a rich dude, Belle from Beauty and the Beast for the sweetness of a woman who got a prince etc. etc. I was like a mannequin molded as per my heroes from TV shows or books I read.
I think all of society is mostly like that covered in cobwebs. For many, these cobwebs have enough structure to function “normally” in this society but for others like me breakdowns happen more often. But the “normal” will eventually break- but I don’t think it matters to think about it ’cause what’s gotta happen will happen whether you think it or not cause you are not triggering it.
For a long time I blamed everyone everything the big bang whatever it was that if “love” was the answer why ever make anyone go through any suffering? There’s a story by the Buddha- there was a hunter in a forest who got hit by an arrow. Now before he starts thinking where the arrow came from, first he’s got to heal himself.
That made sense to me. If it doesnt make sense to you dear reader, its ok. I heard somewhere that words make sense when you are ready to hear it. So the same story maybe if you hear it in some other circumstance, might resonate with you- as was the case for me.
One other big realization I had that has lifted a lot of the burden off me is- freedom to be horrible. I can be selfish, I can be ugly, I can be greedy, I can be sad, I can be anything that is within me. I think everyone has “klesha” as the scriptures say which basically means ‘shit’ inside them. I’m not going to apologize for it anymore. I have seen myself making horrible decisions in the past and through experience grow from it. It’s a byproduct of the cobweb we have spun around ourselves and the healing is part of allowing the klesha to come out. So if you are judged are considered unacceptable? It’s ok. You have full freedom to let yourself be you. Do what makes sense to you based on your maturity.
This also goes both ways- you’ve got to be ok with ‘horrible’ people cause everyone is allowed to be them. Even that fucker who steals credit for your work, even the politician who lies, even the child shooter. Because any negative feeling you feel for another person, is going to boomerang back at you. This doesn’t mean you go hug the ‘bad’ guy but deal with him in the right balanced manner. Now this is something I’ve obviously not conquered. There’s a story on this which makes sense to me and maybe it might to you too-
There was a disciple who did not practice or do his duties correctly. His Guru screamed at him until he shook. Right after the ‘altercation’, the Guru came back completely calm unperturbed. It is said that the Guru was able to do this ’cause he knew his actions were to benefit the person at fault and not alleviate his own irritation.
I for one have examined the feeling I have when I have any altercation. It’s always ‘murder’ the guy in the most painful way possible. There’s no feeling of making him feel better but myself better in the name of justice. I’ve hurt people a lot. Made my mother cry. Broke relationships with my dad by calling him a pimp. And I’ve realized the hurt I throw at others is the same hurt the same intensity that I flung onto myself in my self-destructive zones.
As an Indian religion is so common everywhere. Temple bells, red kumkum, flowers, chants etc. But, I never experienced God till a couple of years ago. When the cobwebs are too thick and you are close to self-destruction that’s when I felt it- cause the truth is still the truth no matter how deep in shit you are and it feels so strong and reaches you in the abyss the same.
I feel it in the stinky sewage waters of the Mumbai beach where people submerge Plaster of Paris Ganesha idols. How the waves of the water can offer blessings to the people even when filled with plastic and shit. It offers calmness to me, to all the throngs of people who come to it with all their mental shit.
There’s a strong pushback against anything religion cause you might never know when you might get hoodwinked again in the name of religion but there’s one chanting- Maha Mrityunjaya mantra- that makes a lot of sense to me. I’m not going to type that out but the translation of how I understand it is-
“Oh God, Help me become a ripe pumpkin that matures and falls off the bondages of life.”
So now what really makes sense is working on removing my cobwebs till I see what it is that lies underneath. Allowing myself to mature in right time.
Even though I type this, I’m not really sure if my day to day actions have changed but every time I feel desperate at wits end, I feel that beautiful feeling that makes me strive to be better again. Like that glowing badge in “Dragon Tales” I feel it more when I’m kinder and helpful to people.
This one was a long writeup. And I think I’m gonna end it here. If you’ve read all the way through then most likely you too have had your own dark spiral. Hang in there human! You are not alone 🙂
WaywordWhimsy 